Shared Experiences

        Here on Coffee and Scotch I spend a lot of time writing about the things that make us different, well more like the things that make you different from me, but you get the idea. I’d like to try something else this week, a tribute to the late George Carlin, and spend a little time laughing at some of the things that bring us closer together. I’m talking about the little things that we have in common; the habits, annoyances and nuances of our day to day lives. I hadn’t given these quirks much thought, assuming they were signs of my own unique blend of ADD, OCD and insanity. As it turns out, some of you may have the same special blend of crazy that makes me tick. Here are a few of my personal favorites, let me know if you can relate.

        You know that moment when you’re swimming in the ocean and it gets deep enough where your feet can no longer touch the bottom? Am I the only one who starts to irrationally panic imagining killer sharks, giant man-eating squid, and possibly Cthulu circling around below me? God forbid something touches your foot...full on panic mode!

        When you’re awake in bed starring at the alarm clock, are you calculating the precise amount of sleep you’ll get assuming you can fall asleep that second?

        How about when you realize the blanket is the short way across your body and it won’t cover your toes, so you kick and thrash at it to get it the right way but it just ends up turning 360 degree and is back the short way again? That might go on for hours until I can get it sorted out.

        Ever have someone aim a rubber band at you and your entire life flashes before your eyes, like the shot could be fatal? I had a boss who used to offer days off if you’d put a miniature baseball helmet on your head and let him fire rubber bands at it. If he missed the helmet and hit you, it was good for a day off. Of course, you’d probably spend that day in a psychologist’s office trying to recover from the trauma. Thanks Rob, I’m still emotionally damaged.

        When you go into the bathroom and the shower curtain is closed, do you look behind it to make sure no one is hiding in the bathtub waiting to murder you while you’re on the toilet?

        Or when you’re in the shower with soap on your face and you’re convinced that the girl from The Ring movie is in the bathroom with you and is about to come through the shower curtain, what’s that about? That seems perfectly rational.

        Ever get into the shower at a friends house or a hotel and have absolutely no idea how to turn the water on? Fuck you and your fancy college engineering degree, I’m a shower fixture!

        Have you ever been around two people you don’t know, who are talking about something you absolutely love, like a movie or a book, but you don’t know how to maneuver into the conversation and it feels like a lost opportunity?

        How about when there is a conversation going on and you have something relevant to say but it changes topics before you get a chance to say it and you’re stuck with that thought rattling around in your head with nowhere to go?

        Or how about when you’re driving the car and the sun is blinding you, so you pull down the visor and realize that the sun is exactly positioned so it streams in the half inch gap between the visor and the edge of the window? How the hell does God always manage to pull off that little miracle? He must own stock in Oakley.

        Ever watch a video online and think it’s hysterical, then show it to some friends and suddenly it’s not even remotely funny anymore? “Keep watching guys, it gets funny!”

        How about when someone says hi to you in the hallway but you don’t realize it until they’re gone? Nobody wins in that scenario, especially when it was a hot chick.

        Or when you try to plug a USB device into your computer and it doesn’t fit, so you flip it but it still doesn’t fit, so you flip it back to it’s original position and it goes right in? Time to call the Geek Squad.

        Do you ever get really self-conscious when you’re leaving a store without buying something so you feel like you have to act extra carefree and innocent to prove you aren’t stealing anything? I’ll often fake a cell phone call too so it looks like I’m being polite by stepping outside to talk on the phone...nice cover.

        That’s it for this week, normally I pride myself on original content creation but this was more about gathering some fun things I’ve read here and there and bringing them together. Every one of the above made me laugh and reflect on how bizarre and irrational we are under certain circumstances. I hope you can relate.