The Continuum

        Life is a giant problem made up of thousands of smaller problems that need constant solving. If life is like the universe, than the problems are the stars. The meaning of life, therefore, is to navigate and solve as many problems as possible, in order to achieve happiness. Some of the problems are unavoidable, almost destined to happen, and some are completely self inflicted, like a Plaxico Burress gunshot wound. Throughout my distinguished life I’ve had cause to create two, trademark pending, theories which have acted as guideposts to help me navigate a couple of specific issues I’ve faced. My hope is that by sharing my Coffee and Scotch Jewelry and Beverage Continuum’s, you can navigate the stars and grab life by the short and curly’s.


        If we’ve established that life is the universe and problems are the stars, dating is like a giant black hole slowly sucking the entire cosmos into it. Is there a more perilous time in a relationship’s infancy than an occasion that calls for a gift? Just started dating a girl in November, what the hell do you buy her for Christmas? The first gift is absolutely critical to the tone of the entire relationship. First, let’s clear up some misconceptions about women straightaway. **Attention women (particularly my wife) stop reading here and jump down to paragraph three.** Men, I’ve learned something very disturbing over the course of my life...women are a completely alien species. Not the awesome kind with three boobs, like in Total Recall, but a terrifying and horrible kind with two hungry mouths. They have a normal mouth which eats chocolate and drinks wine and never shuts up; but they also have a “second mouth”, which feeds on a special diet of gold and diamonds and almost never opens. What we’ve been fooled into thinking was a vagina all these years is actually a very greedy mouth, which needs to be fed constantly to work. Unfortunately for us, the second mouth goes on strike a lot and asks for constant pay raises. The bottom line is, if you’re not buying jewelry as your primary gifts, you’re doing it wrong and you’re probably going to wake up to the sound of the trash compactor running with your severed penis in it. So that brings us to the Jewelry Continuum (JC), the penultimate guide for male gift giving.

“For every occasion in a woman's life, a man should buy said woman jewelry of a composition and value proportionate to the amount of time the two have been in a sexual relationship together.”

        Deciding where on the jewelry scale to start buying can be a little complicated. You need to factor in your age; if you’re older than 20 for instance, I don’t recommend starting below gold jewelry. If you’re younger than 20, by all means, work with silver for a year or so before you move up the scale. Also, if you’re making decent money, you need to consider your entry point carefully, but I think plain gold jewelry is a good place to start for the most part. It should be noted that watches, depending on the value, can be used as a replacement in almost any step of the Continuum, in order to mix things up a bit.

        Now, as implied by the name of this blog, I tend to enjoy a cup of coffee and a good glass of scotch from time to time. Actually, coffee has become an addiction for me, like midget porn and peanut butter Captain Crunch. I walk into the office and get my first cup before I do anything else. Consequently, over the course of thirty-three years of trial and error, I’ve perfected the Beverage Continuum. The Beverage Continuum (BC) is my way of gauging the “success” of my day, in terms of relaxation and enjoyment. My particular drink choices may not apply to everyone, but the concept is adaptable. After five days of work, I like to unwind on the weekends. When I’m not too busy skeet shooting, hang gliding, or volunteering down at the soup kitchen, I like to take it easy. Some of my simplest pleasures are enjoying a cup of fresh coffee in the morning, a cold beer and a baseball game in the afternoon, and a good quality scotch on the rocks at night. To that end, the Beverage Continuum was born.

“The quality of a day can be measured in incremental beverage stages; starting with coffee, progressing to beer, then to scotch, and on some occasions back to coffee.”

        This concept is a simple one. It’s about waking up on a Saturday morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It’s about the taste of an ice cold beer when you come inside on a hot day. It’s about the warmth that spreads from your lips to your toes with that first sip of scotch on a cool fall evening. Truly, the best things in life are the simplest things. Stay thirsty my friends.