Coffee and Scotch Mailbag

     I’m proud to say that my blog has really taken off lately. I hope I’m not putting the proverbial cart before the horse in saying so, but don’t be surprised to see me writing for a major publication soon. I’m in active negotiations with MacInAmish Quarterly, a digital magazine for Amish Apple enthusiasts. I’m told circulation is poised to push beyond ten subscribers sometime in the next 5 years, which would be twice as many readers as I have now. I’m also flying down to Washington next month to meet with some top brass in the CIA. Evidently they’re interested in my writing as an effective replacement for water-boarding prisoners in Gitmo. Preliminary tests show that being subjected to my blog is a 73% more effective form of torture than having your testicles connected to a car battery. I finally found some job security. So, in my continued effort to give something back to my readers, I’ve decided to put aside this weeks regularly scheduled content and tackle some fan mail questions. My inbox has been flooded with letters from adoring readers the world over. I’ve picked out a couple random questions to answer in the premiere edition of the Coffee and Scotch Mailbag.

     Hey Brad,
I’m kind of an idiot, how many ingredients should my peanut butter have in it?
- G.W. Carver (Missouri)

     I’m glad you asked G.W., because it seems like a lot of you morons out there have no idea how to read and interpret the ingredients label on the packaging of the foods you eat. Ask yourself, what do I think peanut butter should be made of? Now go to your cabinet and look at the label on your jar of Skippy. If you see anything other than peanuts and salt, punch yourself in the face because you’re stupid. Why would you have to add or subtract anything from peanuts to make peanut butter?


     Dear Brad,
I’m hoping you can settle an argument my husband and I have been having, can feminism and chivalry co-exist?
- Constance Elizabeth Henderson-Garfunkle (Connecticut)

     Thank you for your question Constance. This seems to me like one of those, have your cake and eat it too, kind of scenarios. On the one hand, bra burners like yourself have fought long and hard for equality and a level playing field. On the other hand, you don’t want to let go of the equally archaic idea that men should treat you chivalrously. I’m afraid my position is no, feminism and chivalry cannot exist together. The life of one is the death of the other. Let’s agree to hold doors open for each other because we’re civil and polite human beings, not because of some arbitrary delegation of sexual organs. You’re voting now, fighting on the front lines and captaining industries, don’t pretend like you can’t open your own car door anymore princess.

     Coffee and Scotch,
I like sprinkles on my ice cream but when I go out I’m to embarrassed to ask for them because I know it emasculates me. What should I do?
- rainbowsprinkles44@aol.com

     For Christs sake, I don’t even know where to start with this one. Is that really your email address and do you really still use AOL? Is it 1996 again and nobody told me? First of all, get a fucking gmail account and step into the future big fella. As far as your question goes, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you can never eat rainbow anything ever again, especially sprinkles. The good news is, you can enjoy your favorite ice cream topping, but you need to man it the fuck up a few dozen notches. Rainbow sprinkles will never be a part of the Coffee and Scotch vernacular, but chocolate shots might have the girl behind the counter looking at you like a fresh piece of man-meat. It's all about the image. You didn’t mention anything about sugar cones versus waffle cones, but let's not open Pandora's Box of De-Pussification all at once sprinkles.