Words To Live By

        You hate that guy, you know you do. He can’t make it through one conversation without peppering you with sanctimonious, bullshit, cliched expressions. Inside every office, every circle of friends, every family, every team; there exists at least one. Usually, I’m lucky enough to sit next to that guy at work and if he sees me staring out into space he’ll helpfully chirp, “penny for your thoughts?”. How about I make it an even buck for a falcon punch in the junk you jackass? I’m always interrupted at the least opportune moment too, like when I’m on the verge of a daydream breakthrough about my new cologne idea Sawdust, Motor Oil and Unicorn Sweat. That guy is as bad as my alarm clock, jolting me awake right as the midget hops onto the bed with a peacock feather and a set of jumper cables. A lot of these stupid sayings are commonly taught to us as children, presumably to help tune our morale compasses.Recently, I’ve been thinking about a few of the more commonly used expressions and worrying that they are conveying the wrong messages.

        Let’s start with the Golden Rule, as I’m sure it’s the one people think of first and seem to preach about the most. Heck, it’s got to be important because it’s been labeled with the gold standard, and at a whopping sixteen hundred dollars an ounce, this hefty rule must be worth it’s weight in gold. Punny, right? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s an elegant, simple, religiously grounded maxim about treating people well. Unfortunately, it’s not particularly good advice. Hey, I’d like everyone I meet to hand me twenty dollars, should I walk around with my wallet open and start handing out money? I realize that’s a bit of an extreme example, but assuming people are inherently good and treating them in kind,is a surefire way to get stepped on and abused. I suggest we adopt a new rule, the Silver Rule; “do nothing unto others and in turn expect that they do nothing unto you”. You may not make any new friends today, but you’re less likely to get Ponzi schemed out of your life savings either.

        Another saying I’ve been thinking about lately is, “one in the hand is better than two in the bush”. Now, there are times when I think the concept behind this is justified and it’s downright good advice. However, people seem to treat the kernel of wisdom as a hard and fast rule to live by. Success is often a direct result of risk taking. I look at the “one in hand” as a euphemism for mediocrity, an excuse to take the easy path. I think many of our great leaders, soldiers, thinkers, teachers and inventors have often opted to let go of the “one in hand” and go after the “two in the bush”. I think “nothing ventured, nothing gained” is better advice, if you insist on being that guy. Let’s teach our children to be smart risk takers, so that our next generation is full of winners, not simply participators.

        Finally, I give you the absolute worst axiom to live by, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover”. Whoever thought this was good advice and passed it into our collective vocabulary was an idiot and obviously didn’t know anything about books. Walk into a book store, if you can still find one, with no preconceived idea of what you want to buy. You will undoubtedly walk around looking at the covers of books and making judgments about whether they might be worth your time to read or not. It is of vital importance to our safety that we size people up as we meet them as well. If you see a guy in line at the bank with “Fuck You” tattooed on his forehead, I think you have a pretty good reason to consider leaving and coming back after the robbery....err later in the day. If you see a guy in line at the convenience store at three o’clock in the morning with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, a bag of Funions, and blood shot eyes, chances are he’s stoned. The bottom line is, it’s perfectly normal to judge books and people, by their covers. Nature has given us that tool to aid us in our survival, don’t be an idiot and not use it. Teaching our kids not to judge people based on their appearance is dangerous, politically correct bullshit. We don’t have to create a generation of racist bigots, but we do have to acknowledge that when red touches yellow, you're a dead fellow; but if red touches black, you're all right Jack.