The Best of the Rest Part I

     Since I’ve started writing, I’ve been keeping a notepad around me so I can jot down thoughts and observations in the moment, lest whatever pocket of my brain the idea occurs in becomes flooded with scotch and the spark extinguished. I’ve been a little frustrated at times because I think a lot of my random brain droppings are “blog worthy” but I can’t always formulate them into enough material to satisfy my demanding readership. Truthfully, I can barely get my family to read this cornucopia of crap and they claim to love me so I have no idea why the rest of you bother at all. Anyway, without further ado I present The Best of the Rest, which is a collection of thoughts that’s been sitting on a shelf in my basement gathering dust, like my college degree in Criminal Justice.

     Doesn’t it seem completely arbitrary that we eat tuna fish willingly but we’re absolutely appalled by the idea that a dolphin may have died in the process of killing the tuna? Why are we so concerned with the welfare of one animal and not with the other? Does dolphin taste like complete ass or are we just that narrow-minded? We need to stop anthropomorphizing what we eat and start making rational choices. I’m not an expert on porpoise populations but it seems to me there are plenty of them around and watching them swimming alongside ships like the lovable, trusting idiots we’ve turned them into, I can't help but think it would be a piece of cake clubbing them by the dozen like baby seals. No need for long-lining or any of those other nasty fishing practices you tree-huggers have your panties tied in knots about. For the sake of saving the tuna, which I consider a beautiful and majestic animal, I’d opt for the tuna safe tin of dolphin next time I’m in Whole Foods, thank you very much.

     Jumping around a bit, the idea of someone who commits murder using an insanity defense really grinds my gears too. Sane people do not murder other people, ergo the act of murder inherently carries with it a degree of insanity. I can’t be the only person who has ever thought that can I? It doesn’t seem like much of a legal stretch to just go ahead and let all the murderers off the hook because they’re fucking crazy. If I’m on your capital murder jury and you’re rolling with the idea of coping an insanity plea, think again cause that ain’t gonna happen. I’m gonna get all Twelve Angry Men on your ass and you're gonna fry.



I saw this family in line at the deli buying tofurkey.



   Is it my imagination or is Trader Joe’s the white trash version of Whole Foods? Until recently Trader Joe’s was our only “boutique” grocery store but we’ve since had a Whole Foods open in the area and anytime we go back to Trader Joe’s now I feel like I’m in Walmart. How long until www.peopleoftraderjoes.com launches? It’s the same way I used to feel when we went into Shop Rite after going to Stop and Shop for so long. Sure the Muzak variety in Shop Rite is better but the average customer looks like a pasty-faced morlock.

     The last random thought I have for this week occurred to me while I was watching an episode of Man Versus Food with Adam Richman. If you’ve seen the show, you know the idea is that he accepts some insane food related challenge in which he needs to eat some ridiculously huge meal, or really spicy food, or some other abnormal gastroentronomical feat. Naturally, I thought some kind of follow-up show like Man Versus Food: The Day After might be entertaining to watch. I'm thinking Charmin and Airwicks would be easy sponsors for that bathroom fiasco. Maybe the network could take it the extra mile and have it hosted by Dr. Oz, with lots of intestinal cadavers and computer simulations of what’s going on in Adam’s digestive system. I’m sure he’s enjoying the fame and the spotlight now but I for one worry about the long term, big picture effects of that type of binge gorging. He’s going to be singing Moon River in his proctologist’s office a little too frequently for my comfort level.