Alles Gute zum Muttertag

            My mom is better than your mom. I’m not bragging, I’m just telling you how it is. Oh I’m sure you think your mom is pretty great too, but let’s be honest, she’s not as great as mine. So I’ve decided to immortalize my mother on the internet, with this special holiday blog.  Due to the profundity of the occasion and in keeping with my mother’s values and high morals, I’m going to try and write this without swearing and with a generally more upbeat tone. (Editors Note: The author will attempt to swear twice as much and be twice as malevolent next week in compensation.)

            My mom wears combat boots. Well, figurative combat boots anyway. Hey, we don’t call her the General for nothing. Nobody is more scarily in charge of a situation than my mom is. She has a calm, cool confidence that only strict Russian military training can evoke. Have you ever seen those commercials where they put athletes in skin tight suits covered in probes, so they can capture their movements for video games? I’m pretty sure they did that with my mom when they were programming the A.I. for the Spetsnaz in Call of Duty. She’s a total badass. Last year at a picnic she was passing me the ketchup and she stood up at the table, grabbed the bottle, tore the cap open with her teeth and yelled “Stun Grenato!”, whilst lobbing the bottle at me with complete nonchalance. Seriously though, my mother takes charge, but she does it in a way that puts everyone around her at ease. My mom is always in control of the situation and it’s one of the many things I love about her.

            My mom learned to cook during the Korean War. She was a chef in the Army with the “Fighting 103^rd”. She was the best cook the Army ever had, until she got overconfident and tried to season and prepare a crate of bad cube steak. After the whole platoon got food poisoning, she swore she’d never cook again.  The truth of the matter is, my mom was not a cook in the Army, but cooking for a family of five on Midwood Road in peacetime was no picnic either. She worked a full time job, came home every day and made sure dinner was on the table by 17:30 hours. The General would not tolerate any deviation from the plan. My mom cooked cuts of meat I don’t think Andrew Zimmern would touch, and managed to make them taste as good as Frank Costanaza in his heyday. Has anyone ever eaten cube steak with peas from a can? By God you’d of thought 17 Midwood was the name of one of Anthony Bourdain’s trendy new restaurants. In fact now that I think about it, cube steak may well be the butchers name for the cow’s anus. Her lack of regimental culinary training aside, my mom put dinner on the table seven days a week to feed a family of five, with three hungry, growing boys and it’s one of the many things I love about her.

            My mom was a driver’s education instructor and consulted on the set of Days of Thunder. Before he met my mother, Tom Cruise thought drafting was dodging the war and smoking pot. Alright, so she wasn’t a driver’s ed. teacher, but she does have this amazingly terrifying driving skill…she uses both feet to operate the gas and brake simultaneously. Hell yeah she does! Super mom is all about doing your own thing. She wasn’t one of those hover-moms, who overachieve on behalf of their slacker kids. I built my own dioramas and passed or failed based on the results. Just like driving with both feet, my mom let me be my own person, make my own mistakes and enjoy my own successes and that’s one of the many things I love about her.

            So a special happy Mother’s Day to my mom and a very special happy first Mother’s Day to my wife too! I think it’s fair to say that I require a lot of special attention and thanks to the efforts of two very amazing women; I haven’t had to get my attention from the “proper authorities” yet.