First it was Harry Potter and his prepubescent cronies fucking up wizardry and medieval fantasy in general. By the way, I’m reading historical fiction nowadays so I can stay on a level slightly above 8 year old girls and soccer moms. I don’t think I need to get into great detail about this shit because unless you live under a rock, you’ve been exposed to this literary butchery. How do you manage to take something as badass as this:
“And next again she bore the unspeakable, unmanageable Kerberos, the savage, the bronze-barking dog of Haides, fifty-headed, and powerful, and without pity.” Hesiod, Theogony 310 ff (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic C8th or C7th B.C.)
And emasculate it into this:
“After Fluffy's duties were done, and the Stone was destroyed, Hagrid set Fluffy free in the Forbidden Forest. Presumably, he is still there.” http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Fluffy
Jesus Christ, the Forbidden Forest? Really? Did he drink from the soda pop river and shit gum drops too? Oh and one parting thought before I move on…fuck Dumbledore.
Not content to let J.K. Rowling solely degrade the genre, Stephenie Meyers stepped up to the plate and tore the other testicle out. Vampires and werewolves were probably our most badass, iconic creatures. Literary and movie giants throughout the ages have created masterpieces about these terrors of the night. We’ve always granted a certain amount of deviation with how they’ve been depicted and frankly, I always looked forward to new interpretations. Could vampires turn into bats? Do you need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf? Those seemed like reasonable topics for some creative imaginings. Now we’re asking ourselves if vampires do crunches to get six pack abs and if werewolves looks better in Abercrombie or Hollister shirts? The worst part of Twilight might echo the worst part of Harry Potter in that it opened the flood gates to the continued pussification and metrosexualization of things I once held sacred. It’s like the bastard child of Teen Wolf and the Real World. What happens when werewolves stop being full-moon-transforming, vampire killing, beasts…and start being polite…Twilight? Fuck Edward Cullen.
So who fucked up pirates? I know what you’re thinking, “clench your butt checks Johnny Depp”. Alas, as much as I hate those movies, I can’t hang the blame for ruining pirates on Johnny Depp. This time the answer is pirates. That’s right, pirates ruined pirates for me. Before your head explodes, let me explain. Today’s news headline might shed some light, “World Sea attacks surge with more violent pirates”. Do we have to call them that? Can’t we start calling them nautical terrorists or aquatic extremists? I can’t figure out what the media is trying to do with this one. Are they intentionally trying to soften the image of these lawless shitbags? Do they have to ruin pirates for me now too? Can’t I envision pirates as peg-legged, blue-bearded, rum swilling swashbucklers, sticking it to the snooty Brits and cowardly French? Do I have to now think about RPG wielding, Marlboro smoking, hyena-on-a-chain Somali’s beheading Americans with machetes? Oh yeah and fuck Jack Sparrow too.
Nah, just kidding, fuck this guy instead.
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