America, Fuck Yeah!

American hero Russel T. Casse.

        Fourth of July weekend, what a great time to be an American! We’ve got crappy gas station fireworks to buy, gluttonous hot dog eating contests to watch, wiffle balls to throw our aging shoulders out with, and tons of other festive things with which we can celebrate our great nation’s independence. I always take a few minutes on the 4th of July to remember how those aliens would have gotten us if it weren’t for the selfless actions of Russel T. Casse, may he rest in peace. There are, however, a few clouds threatening to storm on our parades this year. By the way, is there a point to parades? Talk about a useless waste of tax money and resources. Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent here. I’d like to touch on three particular things going on in our beloved country which are really bothering me. Unlike the news media outlets that you might be used to, here on Coffee and Scotch I don’t claim to provide any sort of fair or balanced viewpoints. I just give it to you like I see it; ass backwards, politically incorrect, emotionally insensitive, sophomorically juvenile, and crassly vulgar.

Harvard bum.

        Starting with the most severe of the three atrocities happening in this country, I give you Fred Phelps and the shitbags at the Westboro Baptist Church. Fred and his congregation of inbred goat fuckers like to protest at the funerals of soldiers in order to spread their hate filled anti-gay message. How can a religious organization, seemingly devoted to God, be filled with such malice? Before you Constitutional lawyers start sending me mail about the first amendment, I understand the right to free speech. I also understand that the people who sacrifice themselves to protect that right are the people whose funerals are being marred by these bible thumping nut jobs. I’ve seen the movie With Honors, so I understand that the true strength of our Constitution lies within its intrinsic capability to be amended. This country is ready for a government official to stand up and propose an addendum to our beloved first amendment, an alteration which makes it illegal to be a complete asshat and protest at the funeral of a soldier. I’d be happy to volunteer for jury duty on these cases, feel free to give me a call Big Brother...I know you’re watching.

Lining up right behind Freddy the Fanny Fencer come the power hungry, self-important, delusional communists that run the Homeowner’s Associations where all the veterans keep buying condos. Who the fuck do these people think they are, telling military veterans that they can’t fly the American flag in their front yards? We need to start gathering up these HOA jackasses and putting them on a bus to Mexico with the Westoboro lunatics. They can swing down to Tijuana for a few months to get a handle on how lucky they are to live in this great place we call America. Here’s another bunch of people that have no god damn appreciation for the sacrifices that our soldiers have made, and continue to make, on a daily basis. This is another perfect situation for one of our otherwise useless political suits to stand up and propose a law making it illegal to bar someone in this country from respectfully flying Old Glory, especially if that somebody put their life on the line to defend it. Find a veteran and ask them what the Stars and Stripes means to them. You can take your HOA rules and shove them up your collective asses. I wonder if any of those HOA folks happen to be gay, I know just the right person to call to borrow some signs.

Participation trophies for everyone!

        Lastly, and on a markedly lighter note, what happened to the value of competition in this country? Have you recently asked an eight year old coming home from a baseball game if they won? Who the fuck decided it’s not a good idea to keep score? That it’s not a good idea to promote competition in our youth? What are the long term consequences of indifference to winning or losing? Do we really want to raise a generation of Americans who feel no pride in winning and no desire to improve in losing? I’m all for inclusion in youth activities. No child should be turned away because of a perceived lack of skill, but what lesson are we teaching tomorrow’s leaders when we don’t bother keeping score? I think we need that lone wolf congressman (not congressperson than you very much) to stand up and make keeping score at sporting events a law!


Everybody relax, I’m just kidding...or am I?


Happy Independence Day!