Murphy's Law versus The Mayans

        So it’s mid-January and I haven’t written anything since November. If there’s one thing I’m good at, and according to my family and friends there really isn’t, it’s procrastination. I have the best intentions with this blog, honestly I do, it’s just that life keeps getting in the way. I had this great December blog idea about an African Santa Claus, dressed in a traditional Kwanzaa dashiki, catching his beard on fire lighting a menorah at a pagan Solstice Festival, but then I got downsized at work. Aren’t corporate euphemisms great? It seems they were looking to save a little money so they hired someone who could show up later than me, leave earlier than me, surf the Internet more efficiently and thoroughly than me, and drink 27% more coffee. It just doesn’t seem possible. Honestly, I thought my skill-set was fairly irreplaceable. Was my mother lying to me when she said I was special? Sometimes I wax poetic about writing Coffee and Scotch for a living, however, it seems my destiny lies in far greater things. I’m starting a new job soon. I think they said I’ll be the Junior Assistant to the Vice President of North American widget operations. Corporate America sure can slip the rose colored glasses on you pretty quickly. It seems a little unfair to be starting a new job “pre-jaded” but it’s not in my nature to be optimistic. There’s only so many times you can be hopeful before the warm bright light of hope fades away to the cold stark darkness of reality. I’m sure my new cubicle will be really great though and I’m looking forward to spending at least nine hours a day in it. Happy New Year everyone!

       I thought it might be a fun way to start the New Year off with some special Coffee and Scotch 2012 predictions. And no 2012 prediction list would be complete without a nod to the Mayans and their zany calendar antics. By now, almost everyone knows about the Mayans and their doomsday prophecy. But what the Mayans didn’t factor into their premonition is the most powerful force in the universe. If you were thinking gravity, you must be new here. I’m talking about Murphy's Law dammit. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. No doubt you’re wondering what the correlation is? It’s simple really, you see life likes kicking me in the nuts, so why would it want to stop? Put another way, life as we know it will not cease until the universe is done making me its bitch. So fear not my tinfoil hat wearing loyal readers, I may be balled up in the fetal position and crying like a little girl, but I’m still drawing breath.

       In line with people getting downsized and euphemized, I’m expecting more belt tightening is inevitable this year, what with the global economy being brought to it’s knees by a bunch of uni-browed Greeks who spent too much money of Ouzo and olive oil. I’m not sure who employs Punxsutawney Phil, but the position of Under Secretary of Seasonal Transition Indication sounds like something the government might have on it’s payroll. I imagine the money for Phil’s extravagant lifestyle is earmarked somewhere in the Defense Department budget. It just doesn’t seem appropriate to keep an under-qualified quadruped on the payroll when there are hundreds of thousands of under-qualified bipeds without work. What difference should it make whether you live in a stump or a double wide trailer? Either way, you’re still in Pennsylvania, and it’s hard to make that sound good. It’s like lipstick on a groundhog.

       No conversation about 2012 predictions and under-qualified bipeds would be complete without mentioning the impending Presidential election. I fancy myself an independent thinker and I like to vote along those lines too. I prefer the logical approach of voting for the candidate who I think is best suited for the position, as opposed to blindly voting for whichever idiot my political party affiliation dictates. Sitting back and watching the Republican Party beat itself up in the primaries, it seems clear to me that our current President will retain his seat for another term. I’m personally throwing my hat in the ring with Ron Paul but my track record is pretty consistent with backing losers. This year’s election already feels like a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of situation. If ours is the best Democracy in the world, I feel really bad for the rest of the world. I guess I’m used to losers by now anyway being a fan of the Mets, the Jets and John McCain. I really could use some change I can believe in, maybe 2016 will look a little less cold and dark.