This month I’m inspired to write about someone I never thought I’d waste the time or effort on, Justin Bieber. The growing Bieber Baby Mama Drama (I’m copyrighting that) is just too much for me to stand. I’m picturing Maury Povich’s booking manager leaving Justin Bieber about 437 voice mails a day trying to get him on the show. Can you imagine the ratings bonanza that episode would be? The entire free world poised on the edge of their seats while Maury unseals the envelope with the test results like he’s presenting the Oscar for Best Sub Title Translation in a Foreign Documentary. He dramatically unfolds the paper and reads the results, “Justin Bieber, you are not the father”, and the Biebs starts dancing in the girls face. I’m getting a little moist just thinking about it. As funny as the entire scenario is, there is also an underlying issue which has been on the Coffee and Scotch radar for a while now. Is Justin Bieber a 20th century male sex symbol? Are women, by virtue of sexual selection, turning men into women and turning themselves into lesbians?
Justin Bieber may not be solely responsible for the surge in popularity of tight jeans, but my guess is the closet he’ll one day come out of is full of them. If I ever find the motherfucker who designed and marketed tight jeans for men, my wrath will be unquenchable. Is this what you pathetic lady-boys want? To have your frank and beans sausage-cased so tightly in denim that your balls become sterile? Maybe more relevant to this discussion, is that what you women are looking for? What kind of a man would wear a pair of pants so constricting that he can barely walk, let alone run or jump in them? I for one am looking forward to the zombie apocalypse because you tight jean wearing she-men are gonna be easy pickings. We’re essentially dressing like women in the hopes of attracting women, with the added bonus of strangling our testicles off? As much as I blame the men, and I do, you women are the ones who are encouraging this bullshit and have the power of the mighty vagina to put an end to it. Just say no to bro camel toe. Conversely, my hats off to the good people at Duluth Trading Company whose innovative “ballroom jeans” will allow me to escape the undead hoard with ease. The anti-tight jeans are designed with extra room in the crotch, where real men like yours truly need it. First they came up with long tailed t-shirts to hide plumbers crack and now this, these guys are fucking geniuses and are doing more to save mankind than Al Gore.
Maybe I’m just jealous because I’ve never really had particularly nice hair, but what the hell is going on with the brofro’s that today's men are sporting? It was bad enough when it was just the Biebs doing his lesbian bowl cut thingamajig, but now we’ve got the perennial Coffee and Scotch whipping boy Jersey Shore jag-offs with their over-primped, guido, gel-spiked hair fiasco’s too. Ladies, are you looking for a guy who spends more time on his hair and makeup than you do? Don’t get me started on all the other bullshit that goes into today's “male look”. A man should smell like sweat, sawdust or motor oil and his hair should look however the wind “styled” it while he was outside wrestling invasive boars and splitting firewood. And while I’m at it, a man should be as tan as his time working under the sun makes him, do you think Clint Eastwood goes tanning? Fuck I’m getting pissed off just writing this. Men, what the hell is going on?
Does this slippery slope end with men and women changing on a biological level? Are men becoming less “manly” as a defensive mechanism triggered by Mother Earth in response to overpopulation or a generally over-aggressive society? Are we witnessing a major evolutionary development in our lifetime? Could Justin Bieber be Charles Darwin’s answer to World War III and the Duggar family? Is such a thing even possible?
