So I write this drivel from my sprawling estate here in the rolling
foothills of Connecticut. I’m not necessarily proud to be from “The
Cut”, but it is what it is. Needless to say, street cred is not an issue
for me. However, one of the biggest problems with Connecticut is our unfortunate proximity to New York and the terrible stench that comes with it, or maybe the real issue is
Massachusetts, the ridiculous hairdo we’re stuck with forever. I
think Connecticut must feel a lot like Donald Trump most days...super
rich and powerful but with awful fucking hair. I don’t want to forget
Rhode Island, or maybe I do, but let’s just assume it will fall into the
ocean like California one of these days. It certainly would be one
positive thing to come from Al Gore’s wet dream, otherwise known as
"Global Warming".
So what’s the point of all this? The point is I’ve lived my entire
life here in Connecticut and I have no idea how we refer to ourselves
conversationally, outside of the glaringly obvious titles like “super elite” and “mega rich”. Are we Connecticutters? Connecticutians?
Connect-the-dots? Honestly, I have no fucking idea. At the end of the
day, I don’t really care but it got me thinking about the “rules” that
govern naming the indigenous people from different places. Who the hell
decides these things and why isn’t there any consistency? Not that we
don’t seem like a bunch of idiots for a lot of other reasons, but one
day when the Martians come and excavate what’s left of Earth, they are
going to be confused as fuck trying to figure our dumb-asses out. So
Connecticut is anybody’s guess, and New York and Rhode Island are easy,
New Yorkers and Rhode Islanders respectively...or dis-respectively
depending on who you ask. What about Massachusetts? Aside from obviously
being Massholes, what are you guys really called? Massachusettsers?
Massachusettsidians? I have no fucking idea.And speaking of Martians, how is it that we’ve so eloquently named the hypothetical people from Mars but I have no idea what we’d refer to ourselves as in an intergalactic sense? It’s going to be embarrassing for me when I’m getting anal probed by a Uranusian (alien from Uranus?) and I’m trying to explain I’m Earthian? Or Earthiopian? Or Earthianian? Fuck me, it’s a huge double whammy to be from Connecticut and Earth. At least I’m comfortable being an American, that one is easy right? But what the hell are the rules for figuring it out? If Germans are from Germany, than how the hell are people from Italy not Itals? Can you have two names? How about Spain? Are you Spanish or a Spaniard or both? Is this just another stupid English language thing I can blame on British Imperialization? Naturally, as an arrogant, rich, white American from Connecticut I don’t really even acknowledge people from other countries, let alone their crude spoken tongue.
I think Coffee and Scotch is going to have to lead the way with this endeavor, so I’m proposing we start with the following rules.
1) If you’re from some place that ends in a consonant, let's simply add an "er" onto the end. If where you're from has to be difficult and decided it needs an "s" hanging onto the end for some strange reason, let's drop the "s" and make it “ers”. So you Massholes become Massachusetters. Utah = Utahers Japan = Japaners etc
2) If you’re from some place that ends in a vowel or a “y”, we’re dropping the vowel and adding “ians”. So you Germans are now Germanians. Mexico = Mexicians etc
3)If you’re from anything that ends in Island, you are an Islander. I think we’re pretty good with that one already. You people seem to get it.
Under no circumstances will any exceptions be allowed, lest we create any more confusion than what already exists in our current stupid ass system. My dream is that one day soon all Earthers will be prepared to greet our anal probing galactic cousins from Unranus (the Uranuians) properly.
